Christmas wish?
December 8, 2008
Posted by CindyW in : Opinions & Thoughts , trackback
We got a call from my mother-in-law the Saturday after Thanksgiving, “I know you guys are busy. And I’ve been here only for three days. But can I trouble you to come and get me and dad tomorrow?”
My in-laws flew in from the east coast to visit their two sons in the west coast. The plan was for them to stay with us for a week before Thanksgiving and a week with their other son’s family for a week after Thanksgiving.
Their week with us was delightful, family beach trips, yoga classes, cacophonous singing sessions, nature walks, and three-generations running around in various playgrounds.
Then Thanksgiving day came. We drove an hour and a half north to my brother-in-law’s house. It was always a shocking experience to be there – new kitchen again, new bathroom again, bigger cars, bigger TVs, 9-hole course around the house.
This time around, there was a brand new outdoor fireplace, which was ablaze when we got there at noon. Sadly no one was around to feel the warmth. And it was still heating the unlimited quantity of chilly air when we drove away well into the night.
By now, we have come to realize that every time we go to my brother-in-law’s house, we come back needing a special shower to lose the smell of senseless profligacy. So we go as infrequently as a cordial but distant sibling relationship allows.
Still I was surprised at my mother-in-law’s plea for our help. She sounded exhausted, “I will explain later when you come tomorrow.” One more trip there? It would have exceeded our annual quota.
On the way back in the car, my MIL poured it all out, “I could not deal with it any more after Crista (her 12 year old grand daughter) called with a sales person from Nordstrom, asking for her mother’s approval for $800 on the credit card. I mean she’s 12 years old. What are they teaching her?” She was disgusted, “Have you ever seen her closet? You cannot fit one more piece of clothing. Nothing.”
I did however had the luck of seeing her bathroom counter – covered with make up bottles, tubes and jars. I had to remove a dozen of items from the sink to wash my hands.
Growing up on a farm in Ohio, my MIL is frugal in every way. Though she is quite well off, she rarely throws away a paper cup without exhausting its usage. By no means does she do this for the environment; it’s simply a lifelong habit enforced in an early age. No matter. Our end goal is the same.
In any case, seeing the material recklessness of her son’s family up close and personal almost hurt her in a visceral sort of way.
“Have you noticed that every room in the house has a large flat screen TV? All of them are on all day and all night? I have a headache from the constant noise in every corner of the house,” she continued, “Ken bragged that their utility bills ran a couple of thousand a month.”
“A couple of thousand!” she was clearly in disbelief.
We still had an hour before getting home.
“Remember the turkey we had on Thursday? We barely touched a quarter of it. Janet (her other daughter in law) threw it away after you left, because she said nobody would want the leftover meat.” She was mad now. Food touched a raw nerve, as she was born in the depression era and had images of hungry people burned in her memory.
I thought about the increasing number of people lining up outside food banks.
She wasn’t done, “Yesterday, a huge delivery truck came by. They got eight new dining room chairs. They have twelve right now. Janet did not have space for them, so they all went to the basement. She told me those chairs cost $1500 a piece.”
She shivered, “Do you think Janet is sick? She is on so many prescription drugs. And my son, what about him?”
Knowing they were rhetorical questions, I just sighed. She was so pained by the assault of excessiveness that she could not stay longer even just to be with her grandchildren.
“Perhaps the kids could’ve used your guidance,” I ventured to break her anger.
She waved her hand, “they are smart as hell. But unless there is a miracle, they are done for. I just wish the parents would spend more time with them, not more money on them.”
The mention of her grandchildren turned her fury into sadness.
A sense of helplessness and hopelessness hung in the car for the rest of the trip.
This was not what holidays were about.
This was not what family-get-togethers were about.
But I did not know what to say other than suggesting a long shower for her when we finally got home.
As I helped my kids write their cards to Santa this weekend, I wrote one too.
My wish for Christmas is for the have-nots to have a little bit more and for the have-too-muches to just stop accumulating. May we all seek joy within.
CindyW at Organicpicks
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Comments»
Should we be judges of how other people live their lives? Perhaps your brother in law’s family has a reckless lifestyle to you, but it may make them happy.
Your own lifestyle may be deemed reckless by a person who has been living in a dirt shed in Africa.
It’s all relative, isn’t it?
You know, that your MIL felt comfortable sharing this with you says a lot about you. She sees the frugal, caring, compassionate person you are in contrast to some of the other relatives. What an amazing, although indirect, compliment to you.
I really feel for those children. How will they cope if they don’t have the lucretive careers necessary to support that lifestyle when they grow up? Or if the economic slide we’re in doesn’t turn around pretty quickly and their parents have to tighten their belts? It makes me want to unleash Suzie Ormand or Dave Ramsey on them!!
I hope that maybe your MIL can have the kids come and visit her for a week in the summer, or something, so she can influence them in her own home. Or, maybe, you guys could take them on one of your amazing camping trips (without their parents), just so they can have a different experience that doesn’t involve a lot of cash. I know you must feel helpless, but at least you are setting the example of a functional family with a reasonable relationship with money.
I just wish the parents would spend more time with them, not more money on them - what a statement. This says so much, I think, about an entire generation of parents. My hope is that this economic downturn turns us away from attempts to fulfill ourselves with material goods.
i can so relate. i too have a brother of great wealth- the monetary kind. also, jodie’s relativity question brings to mind my neighbor’s experience. she and her husband started a non-profit in africa…at one point a couple of african couples came to stay with them here in the states for business meetings, etc. they were amazed at the wealth so visible everywhere. they were astounded though as they watched beth DOING THE DISHES…”do you always leave the water running like that?” they asked, shaking their heads in disbelief.
i think, deep down, most of us have a yearning for fairness. some of us seek to reduce our consumption, reign it in to a level that salves our conscience, knowing full well it is still well above how others live. some of us can’t pinpoint the true source of our dis-ease, so we continue to consume more and more because that is what we’ve been taught is the answer.
when i visit my brother it’s hard for me to watch. it’s always a relief to come home. and i’m so grateful that i am not driven to live like that. sometimes i feel the pinch of our family’s economic boundaries. sometimes i think my brother’s family is also pinched by their wealth to maintain a certain “image”. it’s costly for them- in both time and money, keeping up with their peers. there are so many things they can’t wear, can’t drive, can’t be seen doing (bringing home a doggie-bag after a $50 a plate meal). they say wealth is freeing, but watching my brother sometimes makes me wonder if it isn’t just another kind of trap.
increasingly, sadly, our visits remind me that “country” is a an abstract term. we live in the same “country” but it feels like we are a universe apart. “brother” too, is a term i am coming to feel, see, know in a new light.
Jodie: I think you raised a great point. It is all relative. I have been to very poor nations where there is still no electricity. Anything my family has is a luxury. That said, I also think relative to our immediate living environment, there is a line one can cross to be reckless. Don’t know exactly where the line is, but my instinct (certainly my MIL’s instinct) tells me that my brother in law’s family has long crossed the line.
heather: You are so kind for saying what you said. I am always impressed with your self-sufficiency, thoughtfulness and creativity. Your “Getting in the Spirit” series is a great read
Joyce: Great suggestions. My 12 year old niece did tell me that she wanted to go camping with us. She told me once that she’d be happy wearing jeans from Target, but her mother made her buy name brand everything. That made me even sadder. But you are right, we should try harder to include her in our lives.
GB: I think spending money on one’s children (if one has lots) seems to require less effort than spending quality time with them. My little experience has taught me that kids at any age can be exhausting and exasperating, but they are also incredibly rewarding if parents are able and willing to spend real time with them.
Becky: thanks for your thoughtful comment. I wholehearted agree with everything you said. A person from an Afghanistan village probably would be in shock upon seeing me wash a shirt after a few days’ wear. We do however have a sense of fairness in our own environment. The reason that I don’t feel bad for “judging” my brother in law’s family is that they are incredibly unhappy in spite of their great wealth (Janet admitted to be on a number of anti-depressants and my niece has told me of frequent screaming fights between her parents). Both Janet and Ken are smart people, but it feels to me that they refuse to look for the sources of their unhappiness. It seems that they have given up and increasingly just use material acquisition to fill the void. But wealth has not freed them. Instead it is burdening them. That’s a shame because wealth can do a world of good if used wisely.
Wow. I totally relate to this post. There’s no one in my own family who lives this way, but my employer is exactly the kind of person who throws money at every problem, including her kids, and lives as if buying more and more and more can fix everything. But now, like many others these days, she has lost all her credit. She’s at the end of her rope. She may have to lay off employees. And she simply can’t spend any more. Is it too late for her kids to learn to be frugal? Or will they just be angry and resent her for no longer being able to give them everything they want whenever they want it?
Beth, I thought my BIL’s family is pretty unique. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem the case. It’s also weird that they spend so much money on so much stuff, yet they are so very unhappy. Poor kids.