Operating in the fuzzy gray zone
May 22, 2008
Posted by CindyW in : Opinions & Thoughts , trackback
This is my stream of consciousness following Needle’s eco bitch post. So be warned that you will see a lot of rambling. A couple of days ago, Organicneedle reprimanded herself for being judgmental when she observed someone riding a car for two blocks rather than walking the short distance. Quite a few people responded (including me) and confessed their collective inclination of jumping to conclusions.
For some reason, I could not get this discussion out of my head. Can we be vocal without being judgmental? Can we be loud eco advocates without being eco bitches? If so, how do we form constructive persuasion instead of critical disapproval?
Recently I received an off-putting comment on a post written a while ago. In February this year, Stanford students started a campaign to get their shower heads back after the housing authority swapped in low-flow shower heads in the dorms without discussing with them. I have low-flow shower heads at home and they have not degraded the quality of my life in any shape or form. So I was surprised by the outcry from the students and even more so by the obviously angry commenter to my post: “You’re all so damn pompous. Step back and look at yourselves. 21st century arrogance, walking around thinking you’re better than others because you’re “environmentally friendly”. All of you have it too easy and you supplement your time by telling others what to do and think and “Judging others”. Go work on a farm, gather your own food and hunt instead having the convenience of shopping in a store where everything is so readily available to you. Then maybe you’ll be able to understand why those college students protested.” I muttered to the screen “dude, take a walk around the block or take a Valium” before removing some expletives that began the comment.
I completely disagree with the notion that I have to work on a farm before voicing my opinion about the shower head outcry. But this is not the point. Was my post somewhat judgmental? Perhaps, since I had no knowledge how terrible the low-flow shower heads might have been. Was I being an eco-bitch? I’d like to think not. Unfortunately it’s not so clear.
When can we take a stand? In what situation(s) can we voice our opinion? Should opinions be accompanied by suggestions to be deemed worthwhile?
This past weekend we went to a local beach and ended up spreading our blanket right next to a birthday party for a girl turning six. At the end of the celebration, the birthday girl let go of her helium filled balloons, probably unintentionally.
Out of blue, my 5 year old daughter walked up to her and said, “Do you know when the balloons get to the ocean, turtles and fish may eat them and choke?” You can imagine that I was both so proud and so mortified by her unsolicited statement.
Not a bit offended, the birthday girl asked, “How do you know?” My daughter replied without missing a beat, “My science teacher told us that at school.” The birthday girl nodded. Her mom was ever so gracious, “Wow, thanks for telling us. Now we know.” A couple of adults at the table rolled their eyes.
I contemplated for a few seconds to apologize to the birthday party. But I didn’t because I could not bring myself to dampen my daughter’s innocent enthusiasm.
It got me thinking though. Despite the fact that it is probably not socially acceptable for my daughter to correct other children without being called upon, a few kids and perhaps one or two adults at the birthday did learn not to release balloons on the beach. The birthday girl certainly didn’t seem to mind at all. Children don’t judge so they don’t feel judged either. Sadly adults judge therefore we feel judged in return.
We tell children what to do, rightly assuming that they are relatively new to this world and they have a lot to learn. We stop telling adults what to do, assuming that they have successfully mastered the way of the world and no longer need any more learning from each other. But the latter assumption can be easily picked apart.
Most of us don’t stop learning new ideas, new activities, new things, and even new moral values. We get it from books, various media, and each other. So while being presumptuous and judgmental is less than a virtual, passing along information with good intentions, solicited or unsolicited, ought to be welcome in most cases.
A friend came to visit the other day as I was draining bath water from the tub. She said that she used bath water to flush their toilets and asked if I ever thought about it. We discussed the necessary logistics and I declined her suggestion at the time. While I did not believe we could realistically implement her idea right now, I was very glad that my friend brought it up unsolicited.
Given my clear as mud stream of consciousness thus far, should I from now on offer facts and practical information only while holding back any opinions? Easier said than done. In reality, most situations are in the gray area. If a co-worker tosses his soda can into the trash can that sits right next to the recycle bin, are there any facts to be offered? Sure, 100% of aluminum can be recycled and reused to make new cans. But facts are not likely to be the issue in this case. If I offer my opinion - hey, you can recycle the can - am I imposing my value on him? I don’t think so, but people with more scruples may.
Unfortunately until resource conservation and reuse become a commonly accepted moral value, we have to navigate in this fuzzy gray zone. Once common, throwing trash on the ground now will surely get you dirty looks. So there is hope that one day soon the same coworker will feel the pressure to move his hand a foot further.
For now, I will try to be mindful of not being judgmental. But I will not feel bad about giving out solicited or unsolicited information. That’s just being a good eco advocate. Every so often, I may slip into the eco bitch zone. So be it. We all have bad days.
CindyW at Organicpicks
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Comments»
The eco bitch zone… sounds a great place to meet!
As for the Stanford Student’s comments, it is obvious from their words that they were majoring in ‘Arrogance and Pomposity.’ They could learn a lot from your daughter!
Everybody seems to have the judgement gene:) What I wonder about, though, is have we always been rude enough to let fly at perfect strangers like people seem to do so often, or is that the new unmannerly way of treating people? And are people just generally angrier now than they used to be? Is this my imagination?
Despite our best effort, we judge each other every day, whether it’s about parenting skills, or speech styles, or even fashion sense. We should all try to be less critical of other people. However I don’t think you need to beat yourself up for potentially offering accidentally judgmental opinions, as long as you come from a place with good intentions. Surely you may offend someone now and then. Such is life.
Oh, I agree with coyotecub-you weren’t trying to offend, and you can’t help but occasionally say something that puts someone off. I was talking more about the real rants, especially online or in letters to the editor, that sort of thing.
Fr. Peter: I actually went to Stanford a while back, so I sort of felt that I had somewhat of a right to my judgment. Trust me, most (I stress most, not all) students there live materially comfortable if not luxurious lives.
Joyce: I totally agree with you about civility. I think the anonymous nature of the internet encourages incivility to a large extend. One can be outrageously rude without suffering the normal consequences, as in the physical world. That’s unfortunate.
CoyoteCub: Thanks for the balanced view.
I think it’s human nature to be judgemental. I think the key is that you’ll attract more people to your point of view if you come at it from a non-confrontational point. For example, what your daughter did. She didn’t say, “Hey you’re a bad person for letting go of a balloon.” She was simply offering information.
The same for your friend. Your friend said, “Hey, this is what I do,” and asked what you thought of that. So she engaged you and offered it as a possibility without saying, “Your way is wrong.”
It may seem like a minor point, but I think the way we approach people makes a huge difference. Because frankly? I don’t know about you all, but I have at one point been the biggest eco-dunderhead imaginable. I’ve driven to places two blocks away. I’ve failed to recycle when it was inconvenient. I’ve thrown perfectly good stuff away in the landfill. I even think I once threw out a CFL lightbulb because at the time I didn’t realize about the mercury. I’ve taken a plastic shopping bag for a candy bar, and then promptly thrown the plastic bag away without thinking. You name it, I’ve done it.
So every time I feel Judgey McJudgerson coming out, I just remind myself, “You know what, that was you not that long ago.”
Arduous: too bad you were an eco-dunderhead. I, on the other hand, have always been a perfect eco-goddess!
Yeah, yeah, you are throwing up. Me too
I totally agree with you. Even now, I still forget to turn off lights, dry clothes in dryers mostly, still drive too much, etc., etc. Who am I to accuse anyone else? But I think I err on the too-cautious side when I think about sharing the little knowledge I have with others.
As much as I want to rant to people, the main reason I hold back is because, ultimately, it doesn’t do any good. When people feel attacked, they only get defensive and dig in to defend their actions. That never helps.
And I think your daughter’s comment wasn’t a rant; it was a statement. That’s why it got a mostly positive response.
I agree with arduous in the knowledge that all of us have done (and still do) plenty of environmentally unhelpful things. I just try to set the best example I can, making it look as fun and interesting (and relaxed) as I can. I think that changes more minds anyway. People don’t want to hear how awful they are, but that change is possible and actually meaningful.
My oldest will sometimes say stuff like your daughter did. I’m always caught between being proud and mortified. I used to be extremely judgmental and I’m sure I still am a bit. Blogging, however, has actually made me less so. I see lots of different people at lots of different stages and many of us are moving in the right direction.
I think there is a big difference between sharing information - like your daughter and friend did - versus judging, bitching or being pushy. Your daughter shared the information and, in all likelihood, that other girl will think twice before letting go of a balloon again - but it will be that other girl’s decision. Sharing information is like teaching someone to fish. You don’t make the decision for them - just put all the info on the table and hope for the best.
Great post.
I remember thinking your blog on the changed showers was very mild.
I try to be kind, but I am not sure how that relates to being judgmental, or not. I am passionate about trying to live responsibly. It feels a sin to toss what can be easily recycled. I guess I am judgmental, this sometimes makes me feel a failure for my lazy non-eco friendly ways, but my guilt has also encouraged me to act. I remember crawling into a garbage tip to move newspapers the 10 feet to the recycle bin.
I think I too often keep my mouth shut. In future I will try to speak up more, but I will practice an informational rather than judgmental style. I’ll try…
Yes…I did think the shower post was mild. On the other hand I’m glad people have their topics they care about. Its better than not caring.
This was a very good post (along with the comments). The points already made are very valid (in that I have made the same mistakes too). My husband and I have really short tempers so even if I did offer something as a statement it would come out different because of tone. We are working very hard on smiling alot and talking in a calm measure tone when asking/telling people something. On one hand I haven’t been a complete eco-dunderhead….yet on the other I was really looking forward to a life of incredible consumptive behaviour which I put the breaks on once I found out about peak oil/global warming issues. So in a way I feel that I cannot judge, but on the other its infuriating to see people do somethings without thinking. There doesn’t seem to be a notion of shame any more and I feel that has contributed to a lot of what I consider problems (litter, noise pollution, etc).
I keep trying to lead by example, but I don’t want to be a leader or some shining beacon of light (despite Green Beans’ call). Its still frustrating at times.
The only reason I would want to stop judging is because it makes me unhappy and angry and like everyone else, my goal is to be happy. So I try to not judge so much.